Free Scarlet Bohemia

I can’t sleep when you complicate my dreams. I can’t get this one fucking thought out of my head. My heart hurts, my brain hurts, everything aching, for what? Being used for your mind isn’t as sexy as it sounds, it hurts just as much. I can’t confess. I can’t open my mouth beyond the first syllable. You are not what I pictured, you don’t fit into the circle and I love it. I love all of you that can’t be anything but yourself.

I don’t know what type of world I am in anymore. It’s not the same as the person standing next to me, nor should it be. I’ve written this script out, I’ve erased a couple lines, scratched over the text to try to hide the truth, just as much as anyone else. But it’s all there, you can’t hide, the memories vibrate over our skin, the energy is smooth, it is complete and nothing can break it. Even when we break ourselves and each other, the pieces are gathered in the same spot, the same universe and the same snippet of time.

I’d like nothing more to hide parts of this in other galaxies, randomly tucked into parts of history we’ve all forgotten. I could erase your face, dim the lights and muffle your voice. If I could just pull it out of my head, it seems stuck.

When I look at the sun, my body buzzes, when I think about you, it’s like I go paralyzed. I can walk into a room and feel everything, the pain, the joy, the anxiety, the uncertainty; it latches onto my skin and pulls me into it. If you didn’t notice, I’d stare into your eyes so I felt nothing else. But here we are, silent. There are days I feel such a fool; chasing rainbows and unicorns. But when I try to stop it, I hurt myself. I can feel the universe flowing in my veins; I can feel its power, its beauty, its patience. But this one thought stops everything, and nothing can ever be the same.

One day you will see
What it means to be me
One day you will see
The truth I’ve hid in me
One day you will see
You should have been here with me

I’ll hide this within my own personal darkness, I won’t make you chose, I won’t lay this struggle at your feet, you get to walk away, if that’s what you chose.

So I’m a klutz, things like to fall on me, fall from me, fall into me, trip me when I’m walking, all sorts of things... But I’ve noticed that often this corresponds with what I’m thinking. If I’m angry I will often hurt myself, if I’m thinking about something, sometimes based on that thought I become more of a klutz. For example, lately, I’ve been trying to convince myself to hide an assortment of feelings, it would be easier, they really just complicate the situation I am in, and I fear having to give up something I love in order to not get hurt. So it seems like hiding these feelings would be the best option for everyone involved. Make them go away, focus on something/someone else. Yet every time I ...ouch!!!... have these thoughts, I spill something, dump something, burn myself or cut myself, or fall up the stairs. Maybe I’m just too distracted, or maybe the universe is being more direct with me. It’s the ironies in life that help pave our purpose. The random coincidences that make us think we are more connected than we thought. I believe the answers are out there, always have been, always will.

I was reading a fantastic piece on semantics, and the power of words in journalism by Robert Fisk

http://english.aljazeera.net/focus/2010/05/201052574726865274.html

It got me thinking... Conformity is everywhere, we can conform to these rules that were decided upon years ago, or we can make it our own. Why is grammar necessary? Well, the way I was taught, was that it was, basically, to make things easier; if everything was the same that consistency would lead to a greater common understanding, it would be easier to learn, etc. (granted at this point in time a lot of parts of society did not have access to education or the books in question). I mean yes, having read Leviathan, I do appreciate having a common spelling for things, but when it comes to structure, and even sentence structure, I think we need to push the boundaries and be aware that by playing by the rules we run into many of the same problems as trying to go against them.

I really liked how Fisk warned against spell check, or the specific journalistic guidelines, because that pigeonholes us into using the same semantics as ‘the system’. Language, words, writing, music, art, ect. Are tools for all people to use to express themselves, a tool to challenge the system and redefine our own culture? We can’t begin to question ourselves or the way we do things if we consistently fall in line.

I realize how many holes are within my own argument. I mean, spelling and grammar is there because without it there would be chaos! I’ve heard that line before, it’s bullshit. Chaos can be beautiful and can be done in a professional matter. By adhering too strictly to rules created by the system we are fighting, we will never re-claim our own culture. Language is very powerful, and should be constantly evolving. I wouldn’t recommend that a novice writer start with challenging some of the systematic restrictions, but they should never fear them, or feel that they have to conform their art in order to reach a greater audience. There is a time and place for each comma, but there is a time and place to challenge the nature in which we express ourselves, identify some of the obstacles, and let language breathe.
So I am going to randomly place commas and see what happens. Could be fun.

I'm writing a new book, a manifesto cross memoire cross expose. All those little secrets swirling in my head, all those experiences from behind closed doors... I figure if I don't piss off 95% of the people I know, then maybe I should lay down my pen.

Perhaps I'll use this forum to post some sneak peaks.

Well, it’s been almost a year since I’ve posted. Got distracted by other writing projects... All of great worth! But here I am, throwing words out at the masses yet again. Why? Because for fuck sakes people. Look at the world around you. Wake up or shut up. Love and Kisses.